Bill Simmons Picks for NFL Week #9

Not only did the Cover the Spread staff have a tough week, but so did Bill Simmons. As Bill says in his recent column....

"My Best Record Ever. It's gone. Out the window. And all because my book tour prevented me from properly following football. Or, because I suck at picking games and was destined to go cold. It's one or the other.

Because I'm a glass-half-full kind of guy, I have decided to blame the tour for my picking woes. In 11 days, I went from Washington to Philly to Bristol to Manhattan to Boston to Los Angeles to Chicago to Phoenix to San Francisco to San Diego."

Much like Bill, we are coming back strong this week. Here is Bill's quick picks for NFL #9:


FALCONS (-10) over Redskins
"Most despised owner by his own fans" rankings for November: 1. Snyder; 2. Sterling; 3. Angelos; 4. Cohan; 5. Lerner; 6. Davis; 7. Sarver.

Cards (+3) over BEARS
Just when you think Zona will zig, they zag. And when you think they'll zag, they zig. By the way, Kurt Warner is one game away from passing Joe Namath as the Hall of Fame QB with the most "don't you feel dumb for gambling on me" stinkbombs in NFL history.

Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
A little AFC North revenge. There's a decent chance that Baltimore isn't losing again until Week 16 (at Pittsburgh). Not a reverse jinx, I swear.

Texans (+9) over COLTS
Seems a little high. Also, congrats to Steve Slaton for somehow edging LDT and Matt Forte as this year's biggest fantasy murderer. No small feat. There needs to be a fantasy awards show where these awards are actually handed out. Uh-oh, Erik Kuselias is buying a tux and renting out a banquet hall … somebody stop him! I was just kidding!

Chiefs (+6.5) over JAGS
Will there be 20,000 people at this game? It's a serious question. They should even black out this game from the Red Zone Channel.

Packers (-9.5) over BUCS
Mayday! Mayday! The Josh Freeman 2009 White Flag has been thrown. By the way, Aaron Rodgers is this year's Great Game Against A Bad Team MVP. His stats have no correlation with his actual effectiveness. Even Al Bundy didn't hold his balls this long.

Dolphins (+10) over PATS
When's the last time the Pats played a real team? A month ago? Expect a little rust from my boys. Also, this has all the makings of a classic Belichick "we have some big games coming up, I don't want to give too much away in this one, let's grind out an ugly home win" game. I hate those. Not good for my nervous system.

NINERS (-4) over Titans
The strangest line of the year. I don't get it. Vince Young on the road against a good defense getting just four? Really? We're afraid of Chris Johnson that much?

Panthers (+13) over SAINTS
Why do I feel like this is a good matchup for Carolina? And when will Jake Delhomme stop roping me in? This decade, has anyone either (a) murdered more suicide pools and three-team teasers than Jake, or (b) made more people feel dumb more times for picking him? He should wear the number 666.

SEAHAWKS (-10) over Lions
Look, I can't believe I'm laying this many points, either. Can you really take a team that's 2-29 in its last 31 games at Qwest Field? I say no.

Chargers (+4.5) over GIANTS
Phil Rivers, would you like some ketchup or A1 sauce with the Giants' secondary? And how would you like them cooked? Is medium rare good? I'm making this my Underdog Lock of the Week. Chargers 38, Giants 30. By the way, I watched the G-men self-destruct against Philly with my dad last Sunday. At one point he said sadly, "Why didn't we get this Eli for the [Giants-Pats] Super Bowl?" He's still not over it. And neither am I.

EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Tony Romo hasn't had one of those goofy, surreal, gambler-assassinating, "What the hell is he doing?" Tony Romo games in a while. He's overdue.

BRONCOS (+3) over Steelers
I am not buying the whole "Baltimore proved how to stop Denver's offense" thing. At all. Guarantee Josh McDaniels studied what the Ravens did for 75 hours this week and made all the necessary adjustments. Beware of the altitude; beware of Elvis and Knowshon; and most of all, beware of the Neck Beard.

Last week: 4-9
Season: 68-47-1
Underdog locks: 5-5